It’s Not About You

Profile Picture of Post's Author Matt Heemstra | Posted August 4, 2021

“The key to being a good mentor is to help people become more of who they already are – not to make them more like you.” – Suze Orman

Mentor is a word that gets thrown around a lot. People talk about their mentors, or about people their mentoring. For a lot of people, the image is of a student sitting quietly listening to a sage or a wizard who is conveying truths. If we all just had a mentor to listen to, we think, things would be so much easier.

At some point in their careers, most leaders will end up mentoring somebody. It may be formal or informal, but either way the image of a wise older person sharing all their wisdom with a younger student isn’t necessarily accurate. More than talking, mentoring is about listening.

As you mentor individuals, whether inside or outside of your organization, remember that your job isn’t to continuously demonstrate how smart you are. Your job to assist people in reaching their full potential. Part of that is about relationships, which are never really successful without listening. Part of that is about asking good questions, which is hard to do if you haven’t been paying attention to what the other person is saying.

Part of that, though, is quietly allowing people to test their limits; letting them find their own way and, especially, letting them fail gently as they go. You help them back up, help them pull themselves together and then let them start moving again.

I’m not suggesting that as a mentor you should never speak. What I’m suggesting as that a mentor, it’s not about you. The focal point in a mentoring relationship should never be the mentor, it should be the person who is being mentored. That’s the reason for the relationship.

Do you have experience and wisdom to share? Absolutely. But it’s not your job to share it constantly. Make sure you’re paying attention to what the person you mentor is saying, and, just as importantly, what they’re doing. Be cognizant of their successes and failures, but don’t use either as an excuse to say “That’s not how I would have done it.”

How you would have done it is irrelevant. It’s how they’re going do it that matters. So be quiet and let them figure that out for themselves.

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